Am I ‘sick enough’? Am I ‘thin enough’?
No. You are not. You will never be. The truth is that this is an unmeetable need; it cannot be satisfied. There is no ‘sick enough’ or ‘thin enough’ because when you look deeper into it, at its core it is not a want for a particular weight or shape. It is about a need for something else, something that may be painful to admit to such as:
I want to matter enough that people actually notice me.
I want to be deserving enough of love and care.
I want to be small enough and insignificant enough that people forget I exist.
I want to be worthy enough.
I want to be enough.
Unfortunately, if you chase after being sick enough, or thin enough; then you will never get there. Those thoughts come from a time in your life when your needs were not met; and it is manifesting now as the compulsion to be ‘sick enough’. There are things you can do now though, to give yourself what you actually yearn for. You can grieve the times in your life that you didn’t get your needs met. You can tell yourself that you are deserving and worthy of love and freedom. You can take risks, and make connections with others, and in that, receive care. You can build a life for yourself that you love and that has no place for an eating disorder.